You guys, if you ever wanted to meet the lowest common denominator

post an ad for help on craigslist.

Just some things to point out to people who may not know this (also if you are one of those people, please please please unfollow me):

• When attempting to get a job or, really, anything it’s not okay to substitute letters or numbers for words. Examples: “Thank u” “I herd u were looking 4 a waitress” 
• If your email involves the word butt, get another one. I’m not saying you have to ditch this one, just don’t use it when emails involve things like “resumes”
• When sending a resume in response to basic classified ads, don’t ask shit. In fact, don’t ask anything until someone follows up on your resume - don’t ask the age requirement. If you don’t meet it, no one will call you. 
• Don’t apply for a waitress job, point out that you have no serving experience, and then ask me for a management position. No, it’s really not the same as opening a tanning salon. 
• Don’t answer your PHONE IN CLASS AND THEN TELL ME YOU CAN’T TALK BECAUSE YOU’RE IN CLASS OH MY GOD Y’ALL.
• Don’t tell me you’re going to show up and then don’t show up - it seriously makes me want to find you and yell at you. I have your address, okay?

Deep breaths. Deep glasses of wine. Find your center. 

It’s going to be a long couple of months.